15. What happens when a man pulls away?

Did you ever experience your guy that you have dated for a while, pull away? Did you lose your mind trying to understand how come since things were going so great between you? He was courting you, showering you with attention or gifts and all of a sudden he disappeared of the face of the earth or started to text or call less and having reasons to not see you often? If yes, I will explain what could have happened to him that made him pull away from you without explanation.

This is a man that has an avoidant type attachment. What it means is that the attachment that he experienced in his childhood with his principal caretakers made him scared of being trapped in a relationship where he would lose his freedom or where he could experience disappointment. At the beginning stage of a relationship, he is not triggered in his fear of losing his independence and freedom because there is nothing serious between you. Therefore, he can be warm and romantic towards you because he only thinks about the pleasure moments you two could share. He is busy thinking where to dine you, what he could wear on the date with you, how you are going to be when he is with you so he is excited and showers you with the attention that you seek from him.

As soon as you make a request to bring the relationship to another level, that is when he will be triggered in his fears. I will explain shortly the concept of triggering here: it’s like when someone tells you something that you don’t like and you feel all of a sudden, deep feelings of anger or resentment and you know that the situation is not matching the intensity of your emotions. The reason is that emotions from your past were triggered by the comment that this person made. It’s like waking up a little monster from the past!

This is what happens when an avoidant man is put in a situation where he has to commit to a more serious relationship. If he has to commit to you, that means a lot of negative things to him and the positive possibilities don’t really stand out to in his mind. It’s like seeing through a dark veil and not having a perception that is based in reality of now. Old emotions that are stuck with him from his painful childhood memories will come up and he will not be able to visualize the commitment with an adult perspective where he has the choice in his life but rather with a childish perception that is negative and biased because he sees the future of a possible relationship through the eyes of a hurtful past.

This also explains why the more you play hard to get in the beginning, the more he will be attracted to you because he is not triggered by the perspective of a serious relationship. But if you have an anxious style attachment and you begin to show signs of anxiety and start running after him, this is when he will start to act out and to disappear.

Not that you understand better what could have happened to him, I hope you find more peace in your heart because there is an explanation to this whole madness!