Are you afraid of being abandoned?

The fear of being abandoned

So we are born into this world dependent on the adults that are responsible of us. We place our faith and trust into our caretakers and parents. We love them unconditionally as children and we expect the same in return.

But the attachment we so deeply long for doesn’t always happen in the most ideal way. If there is fear involved, abuse of any kind, negligence, addiction, no emotional support, or a role exchange (the parent becomes the child and the child becomes the parent) the child will have difficulty forming a safe emotional bond with her caretakers/parents.

Later on in her life, the girl will grow up to be an woman that is fearful in her relationships because she hasn’t learned to form an intimate and safe emotional bond with the people that were her primary caretakers which in turn, has resulted in her not trusting or loving herself enough to feel safe within her. She is still craving that feeling of having an intimate emotional connection to another person. So all her life, this woman will search for a man to make her feel secure and to reassure her and will have trouble making herself feel secure within herself in relationship with others.

In order to not feel the fear of being abandoned, a woman with abandonment issues will learn to abandon herself first in order for others not to abandon her. Personally, I had trouble saying how I truly felt, I had the tendency of always saying yes to other people, to put myself last, to people please and to not truly be myself but rather be someone whom I thought would deserve love and affection…bringing me more disappointment and loss of self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence and ultimately loss of identity. I was a true chameleon, and I didn’t know whom I truly was because I was so busy trying to be someone else.

I used to be so fearful of being abandoned in my love relationships that I would reject my partner before he could reject me. I was not able to be vulnerable and to show my true feelings and emotions in a relationship because I didn’t trust that I would be safe in being vulnerable. I had to learn that it was ok for me to cry in front of a partner even if that partner would not be able to have empathy for me. The important thing that I realized is that I had to become a loving mother for my inner child and not have expectations from others to reassure or comfort me. I was the only responsible of my feelings and emotions and I had to learn to become a loving mother to inner child.

There was a certain relationship breakup at a moment in my life where I had so much abandonment pain from the past waking up in me, that I had become obsessed at getting that partner back in my life. I did everything in the book: manipulating him, threatening him, letting him use me, not respecting myself and losing myself in all that mess. All out of a desperate attempt to not feel my childhood abandonment pain. I had to learn to cut the cord with my ex, to let him go, to feel whatever I had to feel without grabbing him as an escape from feeling my own emotional pain and grief.

For a woman that is afraid of being abandoned (emotionally or physically), when her partner is not able to reassure her and make her feel that she is important to him, all her insecurity from the past will resurface. She will cry, she will beg, she will make treats and try to manipulate him into making him behave the way that will bring her a sense of security.

This was me and I had to really work on releasing my abandoning emotional wound so that I would not need external validation or reassurance anymore. Accepting to release my grief and sadness when it came to my abandonment issues, was an important step in my healing process. During that time, I had therapy sessions, I did journaling but true healing came from transforming my subconscious negative beliefs I had about myself : that I was not worthy of love, that I was not enough, that I was not lovable, etc., etc.

The fear of abandonment has its roots in the emotional and intimate bond that the child has created with her parents or caretakers making her susceptible to attracting to her, relationships where she will make desperate attempts to be reassured that she will not be abandoned.

When a love partner would go out with friends, I would become worried, would feel bored and would not know what to do with myself. I would call him repeatedly and ask him to come back home and end up suffocating and invading him…I didn’t know how to respect his boundaries as I didn’t had any awareness of mine…I had to learn to find ways to keep myself busy in his absence and I soon found out that I could have a lot of fun being by myself and attending to things that were interesting to me. I had to learn to love spending time with myself and reparent myself by comforting myself in need.

I hope this article brings you comfort that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Bianca (aka Mystical Queen Goddess)

Because every deeply wounded woman deserves abundance at all levels!

Here are the 10 amazing benefits of processing your emotions!

Here are the 10 amazing benefits of processing your emotions!
1. You will fill less empty – cutting yourself from your emotions is like denying a part of yourself – the more you allow yourself to feel, the more you have access to more parts of you that stay hidden. When you feel empty, it’s often because you are not in touch with past trauma, emotions from the past, parts of you that you have learned to hide in order to be loved and accepted.
2. Your intuition will become clearer – the more you express your emotions, the more you become centered and you get access to your wisdom, your inner gut feeling. When you don’t process your emotions, it’s like blocking intuition from reaching you. You need to become a clear vessel for your intuition to come through.
3. You could lose some weight (if you are used to drinking alcohol or eating when you don’t want to feel) – keeping your emotions buried had you piling on some weight. The less you need to burry your feelings and emotions, the less calories you’re intaking and the more unnecessary weight will start to drop off. The more you deal with and feel and express your emotions, the less you’ll go to food to help you cope.
4. You will feel more peace – it takes energy to not do what is natural to a human being – feeling your emotions, and the more you fight against your natural and born quality of having emotions, the more stress, anxiety will pile up in your system. Finding a healthy way to express your emotions be it journaling, seeing a therapist (etc.), speaking to a friend you trust and that is a good listener, etc, the more peace you will feel because underneath grief, sadness, anger, envy, fear, your soul is always at peace and trusting in a higher power.
5. Your energetical frequency will get higher, therefore manifest easier – if you hold low vibrational emotions, your frequency will be low, therefore you will keep attracting what you don’t want. The more you deal with your emotions and get them out of your system, the higher your frequency will get at and the easier will be for you to manifest what you want. Low frequency attracts low frequency situations and people and high frequency attracts high frequency situations and high frequency people to you. This is the law of attraction at work!
6. You will become more light and joyful – if you have built up emotional trauma, you might feel sad, depressed and heavy in your spirit. Put your emotions down on paper, talk to a non-judgmental and no-advice giving friend, paint a canvas without judging your artistic skills (dollar stores will do just fine). You need to express the negative emotions in order to access your positive emotions and anything else will be superficial, forceful and not lasting.
7. You will find the right solutions to your problems – if you keep your emotions bottled up, you will have the tendency to go in your head to find solutions and since the mind is limited (not like intuition – unlimited), you might not find the best solutions to your problems. If you deal with your pain, you get access to your intuition, therefore the best solutions will present themselves to you. By journaling and jotting down everything that bothers you on paper, you access the universal intelligence that you always have access to, if you do the necessary work.
8. It will become easier for you to put boundaries – if you get access to how you feel, you will uncover what its not ok for you and you will be able to better decide what boundaries you need to put around you in order for you to feel more respected by your friends, family or partner. If you ignore your inner boundaries and what you body is trying to communicate to you, you will not be able to know where you need to make yourself respected and communicate to others how you want to be treated. Others will not know your limits and you can not blame them because you don’t communicate clearly what is ok with you and what isn’t.
9. You will have less chances of becoming sick – emotions that are stuck in your system can become toxic for your body and for your body trying to deal with them and contain them, it could develop illnesses further down the road. I am not an expert on this, but I talk from experience and there are a few books that explain the emotional reasons for each illness. The more you get these toxic emotions out of your system, the less your body will have to express itself through sickness because there is so much that your body can take when it comes to toxic emotions.
10. You will uncover your limiting negative beliefs – behind every emotional blockage that you have, there is at least 1 limiting belief that is holding you back. The more I dove into my emotional blockages, the more I was able to uncover my own limiting beliefs and was able to transform them, and as a result, transform my life. Your limiting beliefs will limit you from experiencing your full power as a women, block you from loving and valuing yourself, from manifesting abundance in your life, etc. Limiting beliefs are truly disempowering and in order to uncover them, working to release your emotions is one of the easiest methods to be successful at finding your limiting beliefs.
Mystical Queen Goddess
Counselling therapist, spiritual guide and creator of the Transformation 360 method.
Because your Inner Queen wants you to experience abundance at all levels!